The Wizard of Cheese

One day Dana was sitting on her couch in Quebec watching Saturday Afternoon Football with her pet waffle, Toby, who wore the cutest Napoleon hat, when a missile crashed through her wall and sent her house flying into the air.  Her cable went out, so she looked out of the window to see what was going on.   Then she realized there was a missile that had blasted into her wall.  It was still flying through the air.

"Arf," said Toby as he wet the couch.
"CRASH!" went the house as it landed in the woods.
Dana grabbed Toby and ran out the door, because the missile was bound to explode sometime soon.  She happened to see an old ugly woman with a huge wart on her nose staring at the house with her mouth hanging open in complete shock.  Just as Dana got away from the house, it exploded.
As she was picking herself up off the ground Dana looked around to see that everything was made of cheese or candy.
"Toby, check it out we aren't stuck in Canada anymore!"
"Arf" said Toby in response to a bunch of little fat orange dudes in overalls who were beginning to sing the most annoying tune that anyone had ever heard.
Oompa-Loompa, doompity dee,
There's an evil witch looking for me!
Oompa-Loompa doompity doo,
Soon she'll be looking, looking for you!
"Aaaaah!" screamed Dana as she was about to run away.  But, she accidentally ran into a tree, knocked herself out and fell onto Toby, which knocked his hat off.
As she was starting to come to her senses, Dana again realized where she was.
"Booyah! No more annoying Canadian bacon that is actually just sliced ham!" Then she saw the Oompa Loompas glaring at her.
"You didn't let us finish our song about the evil witch!"  One of them shouted from the back.
"Oh, I'm sorry.  Wait, no, I'm not.  That song sucked," said Dana as she remembered.  "Was the evil witch old with a huge wart on her nose?"
"Duh, evil witches always look like that."
"I blew her up with my house, but wait all my stuff was in that house."
"Yeah the witch is dead!"
"But what about my stuff?  I need to go to a mall and get new stuff!"
"There aren't any malls in the Land of Cheese, but the Wizard of Cheese might be able to find you one."
"Okay then, but wait what about the name Land of Cheese?"
"We're not quite sure, but its better than Blandagandamenastan."
"Whatever.  I just want more stuff.  So, how do we get there?"
"Follow the psychedelic road, not the yellow one. That just leads you to our neighbors the Land of Oz"
"Huh?"
"The one with all the pretty colors."
"Oh, okay then let's go!"
"No!  Look at us.  We're fat, lazy and out of work since the economy in America went bad and we got laid off."
"I was talking to Toby, my pet waffle."
"What, pet waffle?  That's crazy"
"The pet store was closed, and I wasn't hungry."
"Get going then!"
So Dana ran away from the Oompa Loompas until she was out of the woods and walking through a candy corn field, when a flaming scarecrow ran through the field and onto the path where he began rolling on the ground to put himself out.  This Dana realized was impossible, so she began beating him furiously with Toby in an attempt to put the scarecrow out.  He was eventually put out, much to Toby's displeasure.
"Thanks for helping me put myself out," said the scarecrow.
"Sure, why were you on fire?" asked Dana.
"Evil Witch cast a spell on me that makes me start on fire every three and a half hours."
"Hey, maybe the Wizard of Cheese can help you out like he's going to help me out."
"How's he going to help you?"
"My house blew up and killed the evil witch, but I lost all my stuff.  So the Wizard is going to take me to a shopping mall to get new stuff.  Maybe you can come too and we'll get you some fireproof spray coating or something."
"Really?  You'd do that for me?"
"Sure, plus I like to beat things with Toby."
"Grrrrrr," went Toby.
"Who's Toby?"
"My pet waffle that I made when the pet store was closed and I wasn't hungry."
"Okay.  Then let's go."
So off they went.  Until they came out of the field and into a forest made of moldy cheese and black licorice.  They entered, because that is where the road went.
Near the edge of the forest they came across a cottage made of candy that looked like someone had been eating off of.  They were hungry, so they went and knocked on the door to see if the owner had any food.
When they knocked on the door another evil witch came out.  She looked very, very hungry.
"You blew up my sister didn't you!" The evil witch shouted in fury.
"Um, duh," said Dana in a sort of unimpressed tone.
"Now I'm going to eat you and your tasty waffle too!" she shouted with glee.
"Scarecrow help!" shouted Dana.
"YOU!  I'll feed you to my pet cow!" roared the witch toward Scarecrow, just as he burst into flames.
But, this time instead of rolling on the ground to put himself out, he charged at the witch.  The witch ran away as fast as she could screaming at the top of her lungs.
While still in the forest, they came across a strange looking man.  His chest was a giant Pepsi can,  His face was one of those faces that stick onto a tree (to make it look like it has a face) stuck onto a another, smaller, but still very big, Pepsi can.  His arms and legs were made of more, regular sized, Pepsi cans. His hands and feet were made up of tiny Pepsi cans.
"Help me!" He shouted all of a sudden as he began to be struck by lightning repeatedly.  He was running all over the place in a helpless attempt to save himself from the lightning.
"How?"  asked Scarecrow, just as he burst into flames.
"Oh, I get it you both had a curse put on you by the evil witch," said Dana thoughtfully.
"HELP!" both Scarecrow and the other guy shouted at the same time.
"Fine, I'll get Toby," she said as she began to beat Scarecrow with Toby.  The other guy stopped being struck by lightning at about the same time that Dana put Scarecrow out.
"Hi my name's Can-man."
"I'm Scarecrow."
"I'm Dana, and this is my pet waffle Toby."
"What? Pet waffle, that's crazy."
"Scarecrow, please explain it to him, I'm sick of doing it."
"Okay then.  She wasn't hungry and the pet store was closed."
"So how did the evil witch curse you?" asked Dana.
"She made it so that every three and half hours I will be struck by lightning every three and a half seconds for three and a half minutes."
"Hey we're going to go get help from The Wizard of Cheese, maybe he can help you too."
"How's he going to help you?"
"Scarecrow tell him."
"She blew up the first evil witch, but she also destroyed her house, which had all her stuff in it.  So, now the Wizard is going to take her to a mall to buy her new stuff and get me a fireproof coating.  But, now we know there's another evil witch that wants to eat Dana and Toby, and feed me to her cow!  She'll probably want to melt you down into a mountain bike or something."
"Yeah, good idea.  Maybe he can get me some rubber coating or something."
Off they went without another word, until they found a bathroom with a working shower in the middle of the woods.  The shower even had soap.  Dana needed a shower really badly, so she stopped to take a shower.
When she got out, she realized she needed a towel to dry herself off.  She didn't want to open her eyes until she was sure they were dry so she reached around until she found a towel rapped around a weird sort of rack that was like a ball about six feet in the air.  She took it and began to dry herself off and put her clothes back on.  Then she looked to see that the "rack" that the towel was on was actually a Taliban person's head.
"Hey how would you like it if someone just ripped of something that was on your head and got it all wet!" asked the Taliban person.
"I'm sorry, I couldn't see with my eyes closed, and I needed a towel to dry myself off."
"I don't care!  Get her boys!"  as he said that a bunch more Taliban people came out, took the towels off of their heads, and began chasing Dana around whipping her with them.
Dana ran outside screaming for help from Scarecrow and Can-man.  Can-man grabbed two of the Taliban people's heads just as he was struck by lightning.  Scarecrow burst into flames and ran at them just as he had done with the witch.  Then they all got into a huge fight.  Even Toby joined in by biting into one of the Taliban people's legs.
They were near the edge of the woods when off in the distance they heard a deep booming voice shout, "WAFFLE!!!"
They all looked to see where it was coming from.
Then they saw it.  A huge extremely muscular lion running on its two hind legs, which made it look very silly.  It was wearing a bib, and holding a knife and fork.  It kept running for them.  As it got closer they realized that it was a he, and that his mouth was hanging open and watering.
Only Toby realized what the lion really wanted, a waffle.  So Toby ran.  He got behind a tree to hide from the lion.  Dana then realized what the lion wanted, too.
Then, just as the lion was about to reach them, he tripped on a rock that was in the middle of the road, fell on his face, and went skidding down the path until he stopped right in front of Dana.
"I smell a waffle," said the lion as he got up off of the ground.
"That would be my pet waffle Toby," said Dana.  "You can't eat him."
"Fine then, but you have to get me another waffle then."
"Okay then.  My name's Dana by the way and this is Toby," she said, indicating Toby.
"I'm Can-man."
"I'm Scarecrow."
"Nice to meet you.  By the way, I'm the Hunky Lion."
"Let me guess, the evil witch put a spell on you that makes you crave a waffle every three and a half hours."
"No.  I just want a waffle."
"Come with us to see The Wizard of Cheese.  He's going to take us to a mall.  There will be a food court there.  Maybe one of the places serves waffles."
"Okay, then let's go," said the hunky lion, and off they went.
Meanwhile the witch was at her mountainside condo using her advanced spy equipment to spy on them.  She saw that they were near the edge of the forest and that the only thing left between them and The Cheese Palace was the field of flowers.  She knew how to stop Dana.  She sent out her evil midgets to spray them with pepper-spray, and her flying pigs to grab her after the midgets sprayed her.
She laughed at herself as she realized that she could have just put them to sleep. Oh well, she said to herself, the deed is done.
Just as they were walking out of the forest they saw it, the cheese palace, where the wizard lived.  Between the palace and the forest was a meadow of flowers that was about a mile across.  They were unaware of the witches evil plan, so they walked out, carefree into the flowers.  Then the first midget popped out and sprayed Can-man.  He is made of metal, so he wasn't affected by the pepper spray.  Then one sprayed Scarecrow.  He wasn't affected because he was made of straw.  The next one popped out and was about to spray The Hunky Lion when he roundhouse kicked the midget so hard that it hit the tower of The Cheese Palace.  Dana was next of course, and not being hunky, or made of straw or metal, she was put into great pain by the pepper spray.
"Help her!" said The Hunky Lion to Scarecrow.
"You help her!" said Scarecrow.
"When pigs fly!" he said just as the flying pigs came down at Dana, "Okay I'll take her!" he said as he grabbed her and ran, but he wasn't fast enough.  The pigs caught up with him and grabbed Dana.
"Nooooooooo!"  They all shouted as the pigs flew away with Dana.
"We have to save her.  She's my only chance to get a waffle," said The Hunky Lion.  "I know what to do.  Did you see me roundhouse kick that midget to The Cheese Palace?"
"Yes, but what does that have to do with the witch taking Dana?" asked Can-man.
"I can tie a knot around all of us and drop kick us all to the witch's condo!"
They all went along with it, but Can-man was struck by lightning in mid flight, which electrocuted them all.  Scarecrow stared on fire, which burned through the rope. Due to all of the things that happened in the flight, they crashed into the mountain below, and had to climb up to the witch's condo.
While Dana's rescue party was climbing the mountain, the witch was brewing an evil stew, to cook Dana in.  I'll worry about the waffle later thought the witch.
"Soon the pot will come to a boil and then it will be ready for the main ingredient.  You know what that is don't you?" said the witch.
"Love?" asked Dana fearfully.
"No, Jalapenos silly.  I love spicy food.  Then I add some basil, and then love!"
"What about me?"
"You come after the love."
At that very moment the rescue party burst through the window.  Toby chewed through the ropes holding Dana, while The Hunky Lion raided the witch's fridge for waffles.  Can-man found the witch's jar of love and smashed it over her head, knocking her out.  By this time Dana was out of the ropes and The Hunky Lion was sorely disappointed.  Dana had lived in a condo for a few years so she knew what to do.
"Let's tell the board of the directors of the condo that she tried to eat me," said Dana, and they did.  They also convinced one of them to drive them to the Cheese Palace.
When they got there they went into the waiting room.
"We need to see the wizard,"  said Dana to the woman at the desk.
"You need an appointment to see the wizard!" she exclaimed.
"Can we set one up for like right now?"
"Why not, no one ever comes in anyway,"  She pushed a button on her desk and said, "Mr. Cheese you have some visitors."
"Send them in,"  said a mechanical voice from a speaker positioned near a door in the back.  The woman at the desk pointed to the door, and they all went through it except the woman at the desk.
There was a giant mouse head floating in the middle of the room.
"Why are you here?"  boomed the giant head.
"I blew up my house, and killed an evil witch.  But, I lost all my stuff, so I need you to take me to a mall and buy me new stuff," said Dana.
"Don't you have homeowner's insurance?"
"Um, no," she said sheepishly.
"Well, that's not my fault, is it?"
"Well, um, no."
"Exactly.  Now get out!"
"Grrrrrr," went Toby as he clawed at a closet door.  The lion walked up to the door, put his chin up to it, and punched through it, with his chin.  In he went, and when he came out he was holding Chuckie Cheese.
"Now we know who is really the Wizard of Cheese." said Can Man.
"Wait a minute, yeah I guess I do have insurance." said Dana as she thought, "Hey wait another minute, lion how did you punch through the door with your chin?"
"Well, um, I, um, okay I admit it I'm really Chuck Norris!"  he exclaimed as he took off the lion mask that he had been wearing.
"I also have a confession to make," said Can-man as he took off his mask, "I'm really Roy C. Sullivan!"
"Who?" they all asked.
"I hold the world record for most times struck by lightning."
"Oh."
"I'm not being truthful either," said Scarecrow.
"That's a shocker," said Dana.
"I'm actually Spencer from 'ICarly'," he said as he took his mask off.
"You're all creepers," said Dana.
Epilogue
Dana ran away.

The End